July 7, 2003
at Ashland, KY
There are three kinds of
problems generated by our behavior towards others.
Our behavior causes or creates problems for others
( ex: stealing from someone)
Our behavior causes problems for us.
Our behavior causes problems for others
Anger is an example of this. We get upset
at ourselves when we
are angry, and the other person is also
made unhappy. Anger
causes unhappiness for both.
There is a common misunderstanding
about anger. We blame others for our
anger. We often say other people are the cause, my anger is the result. This
is not true. Anger is inside all of us. Here is an example using the analogy of
a well and a bucket – outside circumstances are like a bucket and we are like
a well. When you put a bucket in a well, whatever is in the well comes out. So
if you are angry inside, circumstances will elicit an angry response from you. Since
we cannot control everyone else’s behavior, thoughts and actions, we must
control our own response (anger) to them.
To be peaceful is our
normal state. We are angry only occasionally (so anger is a habit). Another
interesting thing is that you need company (more than one) for anger and
solitude for peace.
are two kinds of anger – active and passive.
anger is when something happens (a
glass breaks) and you are angry at the person who breaks it. But soon after that
you are calm again. A person can be good at heart and blunt, and get angry
often. That’s okay as long as you don’t hold grudges.
anger is more dangerous. This kind of person is cool on the outside but very
hot inside. He has anger, hatred, jealousy, and feelings of revenge inside him.
FOUR REASONS (CAUSES) FOR ANGER
means you have too much going on at once. You have overbooked and
overscheduled yourself and your family. The result is you are overly time
conscious. Any delay makes you irritable and angry.
anyone says anything negative to you, your ego is hurt. You can’t handle any
kind of criticism and you want to get even with that person.
keep expectations and they are not fulfilled, you get angry. We must accept the
fact that all of us have weaknesses. Accept the weaknesses of others and adjust
to them. If you don’t, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment,
which in turn will lead to anger.
A NEGATIVE APPROACH
often said – What you think is what you are. What you think will happen, will
probably happen. So don’t be negative in your thinking. Instead, be positive.
Take a positive approach if something bad happens. For example, if you are
making dal, and the salt is too
little, don’t say “Oh No! There is less salt!” Instead say “Salt was
just fine, dal became a little
we know the causes of anger, try to understand which ones trigger your anger and
then try to control your anger. This doesn’t mean you can never be angry. When
you discipline someone, you are
making the conscious choice to be angry. This is controlled anger. However, just getting angry at small things, being
irritable all the time is uncontrolled
anger and this is not good.
normally comes in adverse conditions and while living among other people. It’s
east to be calm alone in the Himalayas. You get angry when you have human
interaction. The key is to stay calm in adverse circumstances while living among
people. Just like a piece of glass gets hot in the sun but a diamond doesn’t,
in the same way if you get angry in adverse conditions, you are glass and if you
stay calm you are a diamond.
remember, if someone else makes a mistake it is not necessary for you to be
angry because that person will suffer the consequences of his action and if you
make the mistake you have NO RIGHT to be angry.
HOW TO CONTROL ANGER
– Think about your day. Reflect – if you were angry, was it active or
passive, controlled or uncontrolled, and what caused it. Try to improve each
Breathing – practice this to
control your anger.
Vrat (Keep silent) – This is
probably hard for some, but try to fix a time of day for quiet reflection and
don’t talk during that time period.
accept negative situations. Ignore
them. Remember if you don’t accept someone’s anger, it still belongs to
the negative situation – walk away.
Remember you cannot change other people.
backwards –10, 9, 8, 7…
softly and slowly. (talk less too).
People who have a speedy nature, who talk fast and walk fast and work fast tend
to be irritable and get angry easily.
down or better still lie down when
you get angry.